Clear is Kind – Thoughts on Rumbles and Hurt

As I have expressed recently in an earlier post, these last 18 months have been an interesting season of life. Some of it was good, and some of it was very difficult. I feel like I have learned two big “ahas”. 

The first “aha” is about “the rumble,” and the second “aha” is about hurt. Let me explain.

For many years, I have been a fan of Brene Brown’s work in the areas of social work, vulnerability, and leadership. In her book Dare to Lead, Brown talks about the need for leaders to have courage. In her research, she asked leaders to identify some of the greatest barriers to courageous leadership. One of those barriers included avoiding tough conversations. 

A couple of years ago, I began to look at issues in my then-marriage through this lens of courage. I could talk to my closest friends about our struggles, his cutting words, and lack of changed behavior, but, I found it difficult to be clear with him in how those issues were affecting me. I realized I was avoiding tough conversations in an effort to “keep the peace”. 

But the peace never came.

In fact, that marriage splintered into a million pieces while I continued to post the “happy couple” all over social media. I had created a presence online that was not true. I remember the morning a year ago when I was driving to work, and I called a friend and said two words: “I’m done.” There was no going back at that point. His cycle of cutting words….weepy apologies….promises to change….well, we kept hitting repeat with no forward movement. Someone had to stop the cycle. 

I had to be clear. 

It was time for “the rumble.” It’s a very hard place to be.

Since that moment, I have had to rumble in a couple of different arenas with others in my life. Those arenas of discomfort are hard to sit in, especially with a few of my close friends. I don’t like disappointing people, and my fear of rejection/ridicule is a leftover trauma response. However, I am willing to do the work. 

In recent weeks after a hurtful realization, I pulled that same Brene Brown book off the shelf and re-examined her notion that “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

According to Brown, avoiding honest and uncomfortable conversations diminishes trust/engagement, and encourages passive-aggressive behavior, gossip, or talking behind others’ backs. By avoiding hard conversations, we fool ourselves into thinking, we are being kind. I contend with Brene Brown that it is unfair and unkind. Talking about people, instead of to people is just plain mean. 

Rumbles are hard.

Boundaries are good and necessary – for us and them.

Avoidance, in the hopes that others will “get the message”? Well, it is childish at best and mean at worse. I am guilty of this, and it hurts when it is done to you. 

My second “aha” from this season is about hurts. Specifically, we don’t get to decide if what we say or do, whether intentional or not, hurts someone else. Period. I can’t tell you, reader, how many times I would say, “When you say ___________ to me, it hurts me, and I need you to stop.” 

You can excuse that away all you want, say it wasn’t intentional, or tell someone they shouldn’t be hurt…but the bottom line is, if I am hurt, that is all you need to know. Hurt is hurt. Things land on our hearts, whether we want them to or not, and sometimes those landings hurt us. If I’m hurt, please apologize, and then don’t do it again.

You don’t have to understand their hurt or even agree with their feelings of hurt, but we should always be willing to apologize. Several months ago, I told someone I was hurt about a situation, and they informed me that they would have to reflect on whether their words/actions warranted an apology. 

Wait, what?

I was stunned. At my next therapy session, Jill was adamant that such a response was unacceptable. No…..that’s not how it works. Hurt is hurt.

I know this post feels heavy. It is. It isn’t warm and fuzzy. It comes from wanting us to sincerely reflect on how we treat others – especially if we are Christians. We are ambassadors for Jesus, and how we treat one another is sometimes the only witness that others see. I have been hurt, and I have hurt others. I have been called upon to be a truth-teller in rumbles that I would have preferred to avoid. It’s all necessary work. Sometimes these rumbles and hurts lead to reconciliation. Other times, they don’t. When God clears a path……man…..ugh…..sometimes it hurts and makes no sense.

Let’s just do better with one another. 

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.