One Last Time….For Now

Well Reader…..here we go, one last time as we have known it.

Since Jan 2009, I have opined and reflected on the mysteries of life and love in an open, public blogging forum either as “Twisted Elf” or “Elfinfun”. During this time, I have enjoyed expressing myself through writing and many of you have indicated that in some way, big or small, my words have been a source of inspiration. I am humbled….

However, since my uncle’s death last July, I have failed to produce or write anything that I felt worthy of uploading for the “World Wide Web” to read. Oh, it’s not that I didn’t try; there were many times that I opened my laptop with the intent of producing an essay with some sort of pithy insight into this life we all find ourselves working through.

But, every single time I sat down and stared at the screen and blinking cursor, I couldn’t type. The reason? Well, in all honesty, I had nothing to say. It was more than writer’s block. That wasn’t it. No, I just had nothing to say. After a couple of months, I stopped trying to write a post. I stopped trying to force myself to reflect and then spew forth the wisdom I thought I had gained. Instead, I took a look at the landscape of my life and inside my heart to search for the answers as to why I had stopped posting on “Bent, Not Broken”.

After all of these months, I have found my answers.

For the past five, almost six years,I have been on a very personal journey and I invited all of you to join me. I’m not sure if that was a very wise decision, but I made it anyway. More often than not, the stories I have written over the years were done so for my benefit, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time.

This journey of mine has been filled with public disgrace, failure, redemption, forgiveness, loss, discovery, struggle, success, and glimpses of love. I have grown professionally and personally along the way, but in some respects, it has come at a great cost.
My actions have hurt others and I have been hurt by the action of others. I regret those hurts I have caused, more than anyone could possibly understand. As painful as it was to be hurt by the words/actions of others in my life, I can’t say I ever regret having those experiences. The brokenness I experienced, allowed the light to get in.

In these years, I have learned…

….the power of forgiveness from both ends of the spectrum – as one who needed forgiveness and as one who needed to forgive in order to move forward.
….life is short and we need to get busy living.
….there are two sides to every story.
….I have not been given permission by God to judge anyone, neither have you.
….people are fickle and you can’t be offended by that. Some friends can live with you through your mistakes; some cannot. It is best to sort those individuals out early on, and then get busy moving on.
….divorce is not necessarily an indication of failure; sometimes it is the way in which two people can learn to become better people – alone.
….when someone shows you who they are the first time – believe them. A leopard never changes his spots.
….change is sometimes necessary for growth. It is scary, though.
….setting clear, defined boundaries in your life is a healthy way to live. You owe no one an apology or explanation for those boundaries. You do it because they are right for you. Period.
…..real, true, gritty friendships are the best gifts in the whole wide world – Kate, Karen, Ruthie, Amanda, Ashley
…..when you least expect it, you will meet someone who knows your history and will love you anyway.
….you must be careful who you tell your story to. If you tell it to the wrong people, it becomes part of your debris field.
….there is no shame in having a personal therapist. I love having a third party person to bounce things off of and help me to see things with greater clarity.
….being vulnerable is indicative of being real.
….prejudice/bigotry is a learned behavior. There are people all over the world who don’t live like me, believe like me, or look like me and yet have taught me more about living life and what it means to be human.
….kindness never goes out of style.
….I don’t have to know God’s plan. I just have to trust that He is in charge. That is enough for me.

There have been so many “A-HA” moments over the years and so much of who I am has changed – for the better. There are still things I am working on and probably will for quite some time.

These days, my life is so full and complete and some of that has kept me away from writing on my blog. My girls keep me busy….being a school administrator and professor rounds me out professionally…I am writing my first fictional novel…I am formulating a new relationship that is loving, respectful, kind, normal and healthy. I have travel destinations to explore and moments to capture with words and photos. I am making plans today that will lead me to a beachside cottage in the future.
Most importantly, I think the reason I stopped writing is because I have come to a place of peace. I have made peace with my past, who I am, and the possibilities for what my life can be in the future.

My blog as “Elfinfun” cannot exist as it has in the past.
“Bent, Not Broken” is who I am today. I don’t know what my blog will look like after writing this piece. I am still trying to find my “new” voice. I promise that when I do, I will invite you to come along on whatever fantastic journey I decide to embark upon. I hope you will join me.

Live well, Reader.

I Am No Dear Abby

It was recently suggested to me that my blog reads like that of an advice column; or perhaps they were inferring that I write my blog with the intent of doling out advice to the masses – a.k.a. my readers.

Uh……(silence, except for chirping cricket noises)

To this person I say: Really? Do you truly read my posts?

If there exists any reader to my blog who has this same sentiment, then I say this: I am so terribly sorry.

Consider, if you will, this quote: “We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.” ~ Author Unknown

I have very little advice to give anyone. I feel very unqualified to do so. However, I have a host of opinions about most every topic you can imagine. My life has read much like a book about a character who made every wrong turn possible and did not heed the wisdom handed down by any sage. Therefore, I stay far away from dishing out advice.

Even if friends ask me, “What do I do about…”, I rarely offer advice. Instead, I give them my personal analysis of the situation and if there are outcomes to a decision, I hypothesize about What those might be and the possible consequences. The bare bones reason I choose this particular approach is because in most cases, people are going to do what they want to do regardless. Nine times out of ten, most people already have the correct answer to their dilemma, or they have already decided the course of action they will take. So, why offer advice? If anything, my analysis might serve to give them things they may not have originally considered before. Sometimes it is hard to see the forests for the trees. I highlight the forest.

One of my reasons for writing a blog is to share my life (the good, the bad, the ugly) in the hopes of encouraging people to live every single day to the fullest. I hope people will understand the fragility of our physical lives as well as the fragility of our relationships with others. I believe that life has the potential to be lived with a great deal of depth. I deliberately search for ways to dive down and reach those depths, and when I resurface, I want to share what I have learned with others.

If my stories entertain people or cause my readers to push the “pause” button and consider the world around them, then my goal has been reached. Any other motive or agenda that people feel I am trying to accomplish is just wrong.

Think about this: our lives are a story. Each day we have the power to write pages into that story ourselves or have them written for us. It isn’t productive to delete the pages that we don’t like or the pages that are filled with errors; those particular pages add great depth to the plot and overall character development. Most people write their story behind closed doors, in the dark, where few can read it and relate to it. I choose to share part of my story with you, with the door open and the light on. My only hope that in doing so, you will find the courage to live.

Oh wait! I do have some advice. Here it is: Live fully, be yourself in a world that would like for you to be otherwise, and do so with integrity and authenticity. Don’t hold back….we never know when we have written our last page.

Live well, Reader…..and my name is not Abby.

The “Other” Valentine’s Day

This morning while I was surfing through Facebook, I was struck by a certain post that wasn’t the typical “lovie-dovie” sentiment. This person (married with two beautiful kids), focused her post on those people who might find themselves hurting and grieving on this day when others are celebrating love.

When I think of great love, I am often reminded of my mother and stepfather. They made a huge production of Valentine’s Day. Every year that they were together, “Mac” would buy my mother an enormous spray of pink roses. What was always funny about this was the fact that while pink was my mother’s favoite color, roses were her least favorite flower. “Mac” didn’t care. He always gave my mother pink roses.

When she passed away, there was no question about the casket spray – it would obviously consist of pink roses. I’m sure mom didn’t mind. In fact, I’m positive that she expected it. For the five Valentine’s Days that followed her death, “Mac” always had his hometown florist make a small arrangement of pink roses to place in the mausoleum in celebration of his love for her. When “Mac” died five years after my mom…well, I made sure there was an arrangement of pink roses in honor of them.

I guess when you are used to celebrating Valentine’s Day, you don’t often stop to think of those who are missing a loved one. Now, many of you have heard my rants about being a cynic of this day. I have written several times over the years about my dislike for the over-commercialization of love. It’s easy to be critical when you know that you will be one of the tens of millions who have a significant other who will defy your cynicism and lavish you with commercialized sentiments of love. This year I have had a very different experience. This is the first time in 15 years that I was not participating in the traditional Valentine’s Day celebration. There would be no sweet card, flowers, or my favorite chocolate treats. I would be participating in the “other” Valentine’s Day.

Like my Facebook friend, I was more aware of how this holiday would be affecting those who were grieving the loss of a loved one, a marriage/relationship, or had no one to share their love with. I celebrated as the faculty and staff in my school began to receive their bouquets – for how can you not celebrate love? I was one of them for many years. And while I may not have a significant other this year, I decided that I would focus on the many other “significant others” that I had been blessed with instead – my two beautiful daughters, my father/stepmother, my many aunts/uncles/cousins, and my friends. When you expand your view, it is easier to see how far-reaching love really is.

Today, I was determined to bring love to me and others all day long. Love is the thing, you know….

Love well, Reader.

Reflecting on Love’s Heartbeat

For Christmas, I received the book The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by German author Jan-Philipp Sendker. This was the first novel for the former war correspondent and can be considered a modern day fairy tale.

The book is primarily set in modern day Burma where we find a woman named Julia on a quest to determine the whereabouts of her missing father Tin Win. Four years earlier, Tin Win mysteriously left his grown family in New York and the only clue to his possible whereabouts is a love letter that was found by his daughter, Julia. The letter was written post WWII to a woman named Mi Mi. Upon discovery of this letter, Julia sets off for Burma to try and piece together the mystery of Tin Win’s disappearance.

I took this book on my trip to Colorado for all of the long hours I would spend in airports waiting for my flights. It captivated and held me from the beginning. I became frustrated along with Julia as she tried to rationalize how a father could leave his family with no warning or apparent reason. What drew him back to Burma and who was this Mi Mi?

Julia meets a gentleman in Burma by the name of U Ba who weaves a long tale about Tin Win’s little known life before coming to America in the 1950’s. In the end, Julia finds the answers to the questions that she has traveled around the world in search of; but, more importantly, Julia learns an extremely important lesson about the many faces of love. A lesson that all of us would be wiser for knowing.

There is a poignant quote by U Ba in the book as he attempts to help Julia reconcile the essence of her father’s love for the family he left behind in New York as compared to the love that ultimately led Tin Win back to Burma in search of the woman (Mi Mi) he left some forty years before. Read U Ba’s explanation of love’s many faces:

“Love has so many different faces that our imagination is not prepared to see them all…..because we only see what we already know. We project our own capacities for – good as well as evil – onto the other person. Then we acknowledge as love those things that correspond to our own image thereof. We wish to be loved as we ourselves would love. Any other ways make us uncomfortable.” (p. 243)

As I came to the aforementioned passage, I stopped and reflected on it’s real-life application. Was U Ba on to something? Does love have multiple faces? Do we love others in the way we wished to be loved? If that is so, does such expectations then lead to disappointment in our relationships with others?

Recently I was told that I have a big, generous heart and love others accordingly. I refuted that claim at first saying that my act of love is what anyone would do for another. However, as I read and re-read that passage, I began to wonder if perhaps my viewpoint was a tad off. My acts of generosity are often reflective of the love I have for another; so, do I expect others to show their love towards me in a similar fashion?

In the book, Julia also reflected on U Ba’s words and then reflected on her childhood with her father. She was able to recall many happy memories and felt assured beyond any doubt that he had, indeed, loved her and their family very much. His actions reflected as such. Is it then possible that he could love another in a completely different way? A way that only they understood?
U Ba’s interpretation of love pointed to that fact.

So, do we get tripped up in our own relationships with others because we expect them to display their love toward us in the same manner we display it toward them? Yes, I believe for me that has been a stumbling block. When I love – I love big, and there is never any doubt in your mind. I am loquacious with my words and generous in my deeds. In looking back, I can ascertain that some of my insecurities in relationships have come because I was expecting my partner to speak the same love language as me. That is an uncomfortable burden for another to carry and will almost always lead to disappointment.

I believe this revelation should bring to light the fact that we must know ourselves and our partners. We should honor and respect one another’s love languages and acknowledge that it takes effort to replenish one another’s “accounts”. I also believe that the love we show others is often reflective of the love we have for ourselves. In fact, I don’t believe it is possible to love others unless we have love for ourselves. Finally, this line of thought can also illuminate the point that sometimes the love we have for another is not enough.

As much as Julia and her family loved Tin Win, it was not enough to hold him there. Somethimes the love we have for another isn’t enough to make them stay, love you back, or shed light in their present darkness. People stay because they recognize that to leave would mean their lives would be “less colorful” (if you will). We can’t make others love us and we shouldn’t try – love has to happen on its own, or it really isn’t love at all. The darkness in another’s life – well, we can’t be the savior for someone. We can only show them the way toward illumination; they must take that first step. In essence, love is a verb.

The heartbeat of love sounds different in each of us. It may be slow and steady; it might flutter; it could be as soft as a butterfly’s wings; or as passionate as a raging river after the rains. Regardless, love has a heartbeat.

Live and love well….

A New Year and Two Revelations

“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

“The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.”
― Arnold Bennett

“This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.”
― Taylor Swift

The ushering in of a new year has rarely been celebrated by me; at least in the more “traditional” way. When the ball drops on Times Square, I am usually in my bed fast asleep; you won’t see me donning a new party dress, or scrambling to find a mouth upon which to lay my most delicate kiss at the stroke of midnight.

Endings and beginnings are always a time of reflection for me. I believe it is important to “take stock” in my life – a time to learn, grow, and then move forward. Moving forward to your best self is necessary but can only happen after we do some honest inventory. Taking an inventory has never been much of a problem for me, it has always been the honest part. By honest, I mean seeing things for what they truly are and not what I wanted them to be.

So my recent musings and reflections have produced two revolutionary thoughts to sum up 2012. Are you ready, reader?

1. Things change.
2. Life goes on.

Bet you weren’t expecting that now, huh? Ok. Ok. I’m being a tad sarcastic and I apologize. In all honesty, that’s really it in a nutshell.

Things/people/circumstances will change whether we want them to/expect them to or not. I have changed. It wasn’t anything I had necessarily planned on, but it happened. My experiences have broken open, my knowledge has been used and stretched, my paradigm has shifted, my responsibilities have increased, and my own self worth has increased as I have really taken the time to get to know myself through my eyes, not through anyone else’s.
My realm of influence has shifted beyond my classroom walls to stretch forth and include so many more. This change has left me vulnerable, emotionally/mentally spent, and yet fulfilled in ways I never thought possible.
My landscape has shifted. People have moved in and out of my circle. Those that have left have touched my life forever and will live on in the quiet memories of our time together. Those who have entered, bring their own gifts of friendship to me and I am excited at how their influence will add to the colors of my life.
The people around me have changed as well. My daughters are growing into these beautiful little ladies with their own outlook on life, dreams, and accomplishments. They are reflecting themselves out into the world and are looking to find their own place in it.

My own little world has been changed in a variety of ways. Some of those changes I was willing to usher in with excitement and a sense of wonder/adventure; others left me without any solid footing – angry and confused.

Realizing that life goes on is, to me, the hardest part to come to grips with amidst great changes, especially those that I had no idea were coming. I admit that those particular areas have been met with great resistance from me. I have gone through the cycle of disbelief, anger, sadness, more anger, trying to accept, back to disbelief….on and on, until you wake one morning to realize that this fighting and resistance has been futile. The calendar pages have flipped, time has moved on and you have chosen to sit on the riverbank of life waiting for the remnants of what you had to come floating by; when it had long since been carried away on life’s current and lost in the sea.
That realization is both sad and freeing all in one. Sad for what is lost, but by letting go, you are free to accept the next great thing that will open your world up beyond anything you could have imagined.

Reader, I wish I could offer more earth shattering revelations about my reflections from 2012. Truth is, it all comes down to those two realizations: things change; and, life goes on. The challenge comes in accepting those two facts and being courageous enough to let go and let life take you where you are meant to travel. Wherever you find yourself today, that is exactly where you are meant to be. God is working through your life’s circumstances to make you into the best version of yourself possible. Trust His plan, His timing, and that whatever happens, it always works out for the best. Always. Life’s great adventure isn’t waiting for you down the road. Life’s great adventure is found right here, right now, in this very moment. Are you living it? Because if you aren’t, you will wake up one day to find that things have changed, and life has gone on. Don’t be left behind. Go with it.

Live well….now and in this new year to come.

Revisiting Forgiveness in 2012

In February 2011, I wrote the following blog entry on forgiveness. It is  as relevant today as it was almost two years ago. As I reread my words from that night, I am reminded at how much has changed in my world since then – how much I have changed. I am reposting this as a reminder to myself and as a tool for those who are struggling with the offense of another; whether that offense is recent or old, but still holding you in chains.

Rev. Karyl Huntley is credited with saying,” You know you have forgiven someone, when he or she has harmless passage through your mind.”

Uh-huh. Let that sink in for a moment. That is a formidable challenge to say the least. I write this blog, not for myself necessarily, but for several people in my life who are struggling with forgiving someone of a wrong they have suffered at the hands of another human. I get it; been there. It is the most difficult choice to make at times. You wake up one morning and make the conscience decision to  let another person’s wrongdoing go. Let it go.

For Christians, this issue of forgiveness gets a tad sticky. Jesus repeatedly reminds us through His own words and through the writings of His disciples, that we are to forgive. Let me clarify this point. It was not a helpful suggestion, a commentary on how to have a more fulfilled life; it was a command. We are to forgive – period. If you dig deep, you can understand why this command is so important.

The foundational precept of our salvation is based on God‘s forgiveness of our sins through a worthy sacrifice – Jesus. If you stop and get “real” for a moment, I’m sure the sheer absurdity of God’s willingness to see us through a perfect Savior blows your mind. And yet, He does just that. The absurdity of God’s love for me is almost more than my mind can comprehend. I can pan through the “pages” in my life’s story and see countless ways in which my words or deeds have dishonored the name of God, has damaged my nature, or brought profound hurt to another human being. Yet, because of my acceptance of what Christ did on the cross, God looks at me and sees His perfect Son. Amazing. Absurd.

Based on that, it makes sense to me that God commands nothing less from us. That is a tall order and one cocktail that I have bitterly swallowed over the years. As I grow older, I see where my unforgiveness towards another only cheapens what Christ was willing to do for me. The hardest thing for people to realize  is that forgiveness does not mark the offense as “condoned”. When we choose to forgive, we are not telling the offending party that their actions were ok; instead, we are releasing them from having control over us through the hurt action they have inflicted on us. Forgiveness doesn’t minimize the hurt or justify the wrong; it acts as a pathway to freedom. Without such, we will bring anger and resentment into every other relationship we have with another person. Medical scientists have confirmed through years of study, that anger and bitterness are a major cause of depression and anxiety. The pharmaceutical industry is making billions of dollars on Americans for drugs we take to eliminate or diminish our anger and anxiety.

Another misconception about forgiveness is reconciliation. Forgiving someone does not mean that reconciliation must occur. It means you walk away. See, the other person is sleeping just fine by all accounts. You are losing your sense of peace. Life is so short- like a mist. If only we could grasp that God intends for our lives to be so rich and fulfilling. I refuse to infuse my life with negative energy. I want my living of life to exhaust me; not the pain of what someone else did. A  dear friend of  mine commented to me about forgiveness upon hearing about my children’s recent salvation. This person hoped that my children would grasp the wonder at my ability to forgive and live in non-judgment of others. I was humbled by their observation. It is hard and I am not always good at it. But I am so aware of my own sinful nature and tendency to wander away from my Father’s side, that I can’t condemn or hold someone else hostage for something that I am not a master over.

The rest of this entry is for your reference as the reader. Following is a host of Bible references dealing with forgiveness from the New Testament. Following that are famous quotes about this topic. Just drink in the words. Pray for the ability to forgive. Pray for compassion – for yourself as well as your offender.

Matthew 5:7, 6:12, 26:28, 6:14-15, 18:21-22, 5:39-42

Romans 12:14, 12:19-21

Ephesians 4:32

Luke 17:14, 23:34, 11:4, 6:27-37

I John 1:9

Colossians 3:13

I Peter 3:9

James 5:16

Acts 2:38

Mark 11:25-26

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness.” Peter Ustinav

“The capacity to make peace with another person and with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves.” Thich Nhat Hanh

“One pardons to the degree that one loves ” Francois De La Rochefoucauld

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Gandhi

“To err is human; to forgive Divine” Alexander Pope

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B Smeades

“If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. ” Mother Theresa

2012 Postscript: I have learned a lot about this topic over the last few years of my life. I believe the most difficult and humbling work I have done in this arena of my life has been to accept my responsibility as the one who has committed the offense against another human being. No amount of apologies can heal the hurt. Laying down one’s own life falls short as well. The act of forgiveness must come from the one who has been wronged. It is a painful and difficult process that they must work through and nothing I say or do can make it easier or faster; although, I’d willingly take the pain as my own, if I could. Instead, I must let go and let God’s time and love bring them the peace they so need to move on, knowing that by moving on, they may choose to do so without me. It is the consequence of our actions and a bitter pill to learn to swallow.

Live well, Reader.

Jake & Bella: Lessons From My Dogs

Harrison Forbes is a professional dog trainer and author of the book, Heart of a Dog:What Challenging Dogs Have Taught Me About Love, Trust, and Second Chances. Consider this quote from his book, “Dogs do the types of things we should do more often, and the things they don’t get involved in – well, we should skip them too…”

It was never my intention to have one dog, let alone two; but, somehow Jake and Bella have made their way into my heart and life. As a result, I have identified seven lessons that they have taught me. Lessons we can all be reminded of from time to time.

1. Move On: Have you ever noticed that dogs don’t hold a grudge? My dog Jake can test my patience and push my buttons much like my daughter, Anna. He eats things that are unnatural to a canine diet, he is constantly under my feet, and destruction seems to be his middle name. Daily I am fussing at Jake – daily. I get cranky with him – daily. With most dogs, if you were cranky with them a minute ago, (even if it was their fault) they will still greet you in the next moment as if nothing negative ever transpired. So it should be with us as well. Forgiveness is a tall order, especially if someone has hurt us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone someone else’s behavior; it just means you are willing to let it go so as not to be trapped by their misbehavior. Remember: you know you have forgiven someone when their name passes over your lips without bitterness or the need to seek retribution.

2. All You Need Is Love: Our dogs simply love us for who we are. They don’t have a measurement chart of how we compare to others, our status in the world is unimportant, the car/house we own is inconsequential…it is simply unconditional. Bella and Jake show their love for me in the only way they can – kisses, cuddling with me, and following me around. They want my love in return. Bella will nuzzle me in an effort to get me to scratch her back. Jake will flop over on his back. That is my cue that a belly scratch is in order. In our own relationships with others, we should strive to focus more on the value someone brings to our lives – their love, friendship, and kindness. While dogs know how to give us love, they are also really good at receiving it as well. For many of us, we have difficulty allowing others to love us – keeping them at arm’s length. Don’t doubt your value. Let someone love you.

3. The Balance Between Work and Play: We know the importance of a balanced life. We must work but play is just as important. Our dogs like to keep things light and not too serious all the time. Playing with my dogs is a daily activity. We wrestle, play fetch, and run around the house in a modified chase game. Even when I am not in the mood to play, their energy and frisk invests is contagious. By the time we are finished, my mood is lighter. Working too much can lead to burnout; so…play. Play renews our spirit and helps us to connect with who we are.

4. Know Who You Are: My dogs know their names and will come running when called. You know your name too, of course; but, do you know who you are? Not your title, your job, but you. It is so vital that you have a true sense of yourself. This identity makes it easier to set boundaries, stand firmly in your beliefs, and not be easily swayed.

5. The Art of Communication: I have a friend who has effectively trained his dog to be a successful hunting dog. His commands are clear and simple. When they experience a break down in communication, my friend doesn’t give up and walk away. Instead, he reteaches and patiently works until his dog can obey the command once again. Communication is hard to maintain. So often our words can hurt. Instead of taking the time to repair the damage, we just walk away. On a similar note, we should always speak up when things don’t feel right or we are hurt. My dog Bella has a tender spot underneath a front leg. If Grace or Anna pick her up the wrong way, she will yelp in pain. Likewise, when Jake feels uneasy or hears an unfamiliar noise, he won’t hesitate to let me know with a loud bark. Are you willing to speak up when you are hurt or unsure? You should. Listen to your instincts; God gave them to you for a reason.

6. We All Need to be Acknowledged: When I get home each day, Jake runs around in a circle and will bark until I acknowledge his presence. Even Bella will follow me around until I stop and “ask” about her dog day. Just like my dogs, we all need to feel important to someone; greeted with enthusiasm; reassured that all who leave will return; and be asked how we are. We are social beings and need interaction with one another.

7. Fenced In Yards and Beyond: My dogs know the boundaries of our yard and while they may not understand why it is there, they know not to go beyond that fence without me. In another sense, they are always eager to get on a leash and go exploring. What about you? It is good to go beyond the scenery you are comfortable with and explore new places. There is so much to learn, see, and new people to meet. We grow as a person with each new experience. Go explore.

While I never intended to own two dogs, they have certainly taken ownership of my heart. I am forever grateful that they show me daily a better way to go through this life – live in the moment, love others authentically, make time for play, be true to yourself, talk it out, pet one another, and go exploring.
How then will you live, Reader? I hope you live well and like a dog.

Choosing Happiness

Have you really thought about happiness? I believe that happiness is a choice that we make – we choose it. This isn’t some “Polly Anna” way of living nor does it ignore the fact that life is tough, people will hurt you, and you don’t always get what you want. This way of living is the ability to look through those circumstances and be happy with all those blessings you do have. Let me pose a couple of questions to you. Dig deep, I mean to the core of your soul deep, and answer honestly.

1. If you could wave a magic wand and create the life of your dreams (don’t think in terms of winning the lottery here, imagine yourself happy) what would that look like?

2. (Most important question) What are you willing to do/give up in order to make that life possible?

That first question is one that I’m sure many of us could answer. The second question puts the teeth into that dream, doesn’t it?

I posed this question to a friend of mine lately as we discussed things she was struggling with in her own life. It is like she observed: we want those things, but most people don’t know how or are not willing to do what it takes to make it happen. We are waiting for our Fairy Godmother to come along.

Uh-huh. Not me. Life is too short for me to wait for my best life to begin…sometimes you have to make it happen. For the most part, I have reached a place of contentment and happiness in my life. It is by no means perfect; nor should anyone think that happiness equates itself to perfectionism. But, I’m happy with where I find myself on my life’s journey today. It wasn’t easy getting here and I wallowed in muck for years; but I always believed that my life could look and feel different. The test came in finding the courage to make it happen. Being happy at this station of my life doesn’t mean that my best life has been fully realized either. I have much more I wish to accomplish and create. That list resides in a special notebook that I keep. Along with that list an item analysis of what I will need to do in order to make those things happen. Some are feasible now; others will have to wait. The point is, I am constantly working toward my best life – that magic wand scenario I posed in question one. I know what many of you must be thinking: that all sounds great, but what if those things never come to pass, will you still be happy? Yes, I hope I will always choose to be happy in whatever station of life I find myself.

So….my happiness list.
1. I have a goal that in 10-12 years, I will live on the coast. My place won’t be very big, room for one and a guest from time to time. Come visit but don’t stay too long. Just kidding.
2. My children will be on their own path to their best life. I try not to have any preconceived notions about what that will look like for them. I want them to fulfill their life’s calling and find happiness in whatever they choose to do.
3. I have professional goals that will remain to myself. The field of education is my arena to make a positive impact and I have goals to do just that.
4. I have a personal goal as an author. This part of my best life is the one that looms over me. It will require an amount of time that I currently don’t have just yet.
5. Continue to travel and mark the following places off of my bucket list: Costa Rica, Roatan, Hondura; Machu Piccu; Mt. Kilimanjaro; Greece, Greek Isles and Turkey; and India.
6. There are certain things I want to learn or do: learn how to surf, learn how to snowboard, ski in the Andes Mountains and the Italian Alps, speak another language (probably Spanish) with more fluency than how to order food in a restaurant.

Nothing on my happiness list includes an enormous pot of money, fame, big house, etc. Instead, my list includes those things which will continue to allow me to grow in all facets of my being, help others realize their best life professionally, and set my little elves on their own path in life.
I realize that in making these things happen, I will ultimately make choices that will not fall in line with those around me. While I appreciate everyone’s opinion and input, this is MY life. I refuse to live someone else’s watered down version of it. This is a painful part of living your best life – knowing that other people will not always approve. When I decided to leave my marriage, the disapproval rating was overwhelming at times. I have chosen to love people that others disapproved of; so much so that I have lost my relationships with several family members and friends. I hated losing the approval and connection with those people; but I would have also regretted, far greater, in missing out on the opportunity to love. I mean – really, really love another human being. The opportunity to walk (albeit briefly) a portion of your life’s journey with someone who accepts and loves you for who you are and nothing more – well, that is priceless. Some love stories fill volumes of pages in your life. Others are short stories, but their impact can be life-changing and sustainable for a long, long time.
At the end of my life, I know I will give an account of every wrongdoing, bad choice, and hurt that my actions have inflicted on others. I have asked for forgiveness for those things. I believe Him when He said they are cast as far as the east is from the west. I also hope that on that day, God will smile favorably on me for the simple fact that He chose to give me life and I lived a life of abundance through Him. I want the scars, the lines on my face, the softness of my heart, my countenance to all be evidence of choosing happiness.
Have you lived this God-given life to its fullest? Have you honored Him by pushing beyond the norm and choosing happiness? I can think of no greater way to honor Him, than by living – really living.
Live well, Reader, and choose happiness.

“…loves me…loves me not…”

…the individual petals are plucked off a flower, reciting those words; hoping beyond all hope that the last petal plucked would reveal the heart’s desire of your love: he loves you.

Girls from every walk of life have played this game; elation or disappointment following that last reach for the petal. Among my school-aged friends, disappointment meant you could have a “do-over” – the opportunity to see if the love “gods” had made a mistake.

Once we become adults, that “game” should look much, much different. Yet for many, it doesn’t. It still becomes a game of chance; one day they do but the next day they don’t. Huh?

Many among my circle of friends find themselves at varying “stations” in their lives. I have had two separate conversations about the idiosyncrasies of love and relationships. Interestingly, I have been approached by both a female and male friend about this rather complex aspect of life. Even after “fleshing” this topic out, I have very few answers, a whole novel full of questions, and a small cup of insight. But one common thread was mentioned by both of these individuals: why are people so willing to throw the “love” word around and then renege on it as if it meant nothing at all?

Hmmmm, interesting. I have sat on this thought for a few weeks now, analyzing my own use of the word “love”. For the most part, I truly believe that it may be high on the list as one of the most overused words in the English language. Take the following examples from my own life:

“I love coffee…”

“I love chocolate…”

“I loved that book…”

“I just love that skirt on you…”

“I love those shoes, I have to have them…”

“Oh my, I love that color on you.”

You get the idea, Reader. We all use that word to express a deep affinity to some arbitrary thing in our life. Over time, the word “love” loses its punch, or true meaning. So, in an effort to say it and really mean it, I changed my language a bit. Look at these new expressions instead:

“I really enjoy coffee.”

“Chocolate tastes so good, any time of day.”

“That book really made me think…”

“That skirts looks great on you…”

Etc, etc. I have come to feel that the word “love” should just have more value and weight. I don’t think it should be assigned to arbitrary things in our lives. I believe that if we use that word, it should mean more.

Let’s look at the word love: a profound, tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; sexual passion or desire; a person toward whom love is felt.

As I reflect on my past and where I am today, I see a huge difference in how I used the word and what it truly means to me now. I recently told someone that I feel one of the greatest personal accomplishments that I have achieved is that I no longer use other people as an emotional scratching post. Let me explain. I remember a time in my life when my self-esteem was rooted in the words of others, the approval of others, and the love/affection I received from others. I couldn’t go two minutes without moving from one dysfunctional relationship to another until I became bored or sated; only to start the cycle over. I remember telling people “I love you” simply for the wrong reasons and then one day I would wake up only to hurt myself or others when I could no longer play the part. You just don’t throw those words around; but try telling that to a twenty-something girl who hasn’t come into her own or found her own worth.

Today, those words mean a great deal whether spoken by me to someone else or to me by another. I want the people in my life to know how precious they are to me; how their presence makes the hues of color in the world shine brighter; that while my life would go on without them, they could never easily be replaced. My love for others is deep, wide, and can only be exhausted when never returned or denied – exhausted, not extinguished. Being loved by friends, family, children….well, it is nourishment to your soul.

These matters of the heart are tricky and mean something to others. If you don’t feel it, don’t say it. If you do, then let not only your words be heard but your deeds bear fruit of evidence as well.

I truly believe that the love we are shown in our own life is in direct proportion to the love we show others.
That’s what I like to call “love karma”.

Like all things in life, choose carefully how you will live. This life is short and karma, in all its forms, is real.

Live well and choose your words carefully.

The Well-Examined Life

The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the
man who descends to the depth of his heart.  ~Julien Green

Those of my readers who know me personally, are acquainted with the fact that I analyze, evaluate, and oftentimes overthink many aspects of life. I have a strong desire to understand myself, others, and the world around me. I have often asked myself why this is so. I suppose I want to understand myself in order to be the best possible person that I can; to leave this world a little brighter than before I came along. I want to understand others better in order to help them to realize their full potential; and in the case of those who hurt me, to navigate around them in order to better protect myself. I want to understand this world that God created; maybe to understand Him all the more.

However, as I get older, I realize that all the questions my mind can generate often lead to more questions and rarely do they produce the answers that I am looking for. I suppose that with age comes the wisdom that sometimes the questions yield a greater understanding for people and things than the answers.

Recently, my little elves and I traveled through the mountains of North Carolina on our way to do what we call, “Waterfall Discovery”. As we were driving, I was enjoying the view of the mountains – how the trees were just beginnng to change into their autumn dressings for that short dance before winter swoops to cut in. I began to reflect on how our lives are like the seasons in nature. I glanced in the rearview mirror at my girls and thought of their life like springtime – young, fresh, innocent, and energetic. Their young lives hold the hope of all that is good in the world. I caught a glimpse of myself as I returned my attention to the winding road before me. What season was I in? Where did I fit on the continuum of this cycle of life?

This is a question that has stayed with me for quite a while now; but it was this moment that brought it all back into focus for me. I suppose it really is not important for me to assign a season to my life, as much as it is for me to honestly examine the life I am living. Self-examination and reflection are extremely important in order for us to truly grow as individuals. However, honesty is the element that must be present when examining life. I have always believed in the importance of honesty – to oneself and to others. For me personally, I have not always lived by this principle in that I played the roles that I felt everyone expected me to play. That led to many years of frustration. I realized one day, several years ago, that life was too short to be anything other than who I was made to be.

So, as I move from late summer into the season of my life called early fall, I surmise the following:

1. The only obstacle to living the life I want to live is – me. The sky used to be my limit, but now I see the sky as my point of view. Remember this reader – this is YOUR life’s journey; not someone else’s. Living it any other way is to live a cheap imitation of someone else’s life. My journey doesn’t have to look like any one elses’s; in fact, the road I take doesn’t have to be crowded with the pack of humanity every step of the way. I can walk portions of it alone and that is perfectly acceptable.

2. Having a purpose and passion in life is so important. We humans need a reason to live; not doing so means we are only existing. My passion in life has always been education. I believe that an education is the opportunity that most people need in order to make their lives better. Now, I find myself in a position of educational leadership. My platform is no longer just the children in my classroom. Now I work side by side with another administrator to make an entire school of faculty and students along with a community of families relaize their very best version of themselves. It is a humbling charge, to say the least.

3. Change  is going to happen whether we want it to or are prepared for  it. This past summer was one of the hardest in recent memories. The changes that I faced in my professional and personal life were overwhelming at times. There were moments of explicit joy and a great feeling of accomplishment. Then there were moments of extreme loneliness as I had to weigh the next steps I would take in my life’s journey all alone; no one could make those decisions for me. Not one change or event that I faced this year were things I anticipated; not one.

4. Now more than ever I realize that true beauty is something that radiates from the inside out. True inner beauty is the manifestation of a life well-lived, the confidence to tackle whatever curve ball is thrown your way, and the acceptance that who you are is quite enough. My face is being framed with small lines that are becoming more apparent with each passing year. Yet, I am proud of what they all represent. My mouth is framed with lines that reveal how much I have laughed and smiled during my life. My brow is marked with lines that show times when my thoughtful consideration was necessary to make important decsions. My eyes are framed with lines that show how I refused to let one moment pass me by without taking notice. Botox all of that life experience? No way.

5. Everyone should be their own Knight in Shining Armor. Let me say it another way: happiness is our responsibility, not someone else’s. Depending on another fallible human being to make you happy is a responsibility and burden that will only end in disappointment when they fail to live up to that expectation.

6. One’s own self-worth should demand nothing short of exceptional treatment from anyone who wishes to be in your company. I have failed myself over and over in this area of my life; mostly because I refused to set boundaries that honored my self-worth. As a result, I allowed people to have a piece of my life who didn’t deserve to truly be there. This lack of self-worth also resulted in me using others as an emotional scratching post to get what I felt I needed in order to feel good about who I was. The last few years have yielded a very different viewpoint of myself and what I expect. If you want time in my life, there is no room for users, losers, and abusers. I bring a lot to the table. If you don’t, then game over.

7. Deciding to walk just left of the middle can be exciting and full of more adventure than one ever imagined. It is the idea of taking the road less traveled than those around you; daring to do what others won’t/can’t; seeing life in a paradigm that often is outside the box. Being left of the middle has taken me to places I never dreamed and opened my world to people I would have otherwise never met.

8. Don’t EVER apologize for who you are. Be an original. That needs no further explanation.

9. Fairy tales can teach us more about life than we ever imagined. I’m not talking about those stories where the maiden in distress meets her forever Prince Charming. I’m talking about those stories where the enemy is a dragon, evil queen or a hideous monster. What can these stories teach us about life? Well, all of those evils are real, but they can all be vanquished and the “happily ever after” is not so far out of reach as we once thought.

10. Never, EVER give up.

As I look back over this list, I realize that I could have saved you, dear reader, a lot of time by simply summing all that I have reflected on into one simple sentence.

At the end of my life, I want to know with confidence that my life was lived with great depth; not necessarily great breadth. Quality should always win out.

Live well and with great quality.