In February 2011, I wrote the following blog entry on forgiveness. It is as relevant today as it was almost two years ago. As I reread my words from that night, I am reminded at how much has changed in my world since then – how much I have changed. I am reposting this as a reminder to myself and as a tool for those who are struggling with the offense of another; whether that offense is recent or old, but still holding you in chains.
Rev. Karyl Huntley is credited with saying,” You know you have forgiven someone, when he or she has harmless passage through your mind.”
Uh-huh. Let that sink in for a moment. That is a formidable challenge to say the least. I write this blog, not for myself necessarily, but for several people in my life who are struggling with forgiving someone of a wrong they have suffered at the hands of another human. I get it; been there. It is the most difficult choice to make at times. You wake up one morning and make the conscience decision to let another person’s wrongdoing go. Let it go.
For Christians, this issue of forgiveness gets a tad sticky. Jesus repeatedly reminds us through His own words and through the writings of His disciples, that we are to forgive. Let me clarify this point. It was not a helpful suggestion, a commentary on how to have a more fulfilled life; it was a command. We are to forgive – period. If you dig deep, you can understand why this command is so important.
The foundational precept of our salvation is based on God‘s forgiveness of our sins through a worthy sacrifice – Jesus. If you stop and get “real” for a moment, I’m sure the sheer absurdity of God’s willingness to see us through a perfect Savior blows your mind. And yet, He does just that. The absurdity of God’s love for me is almost more than my mind can comprehend. I can pan through the “pages” in my life’s story and see countless ways in which my words or deeds have dishonored the name of God, has damaged my nature, or brought profound hurt to another human being. Yet, because of my acceptance of what Christ did on the cross, God looks at me and sees His perfect Son. Amazing. Absurd.
Based on that, it makes sense to me that God commands nothing less from us. That is a tall order and one cocktail that I have bitterly swallowed over the years. As I grow older, I see where my unforgiveness towards another only cheapens what Christ was willing to do for me. The hardest thing for people to realize is that forgiveness does not mark the offense as “condoned”. When we choose to forgive, we are not telling the offending party that their actions were ok; instead, we are releasing them from having control over us through the hurt action they have inflicted on us. Forgiveness doesn’t minimize the hurt or justify the wrong; it acts as a pathway to freedom. Without such, we will bring anger and resentment into every other relationship we have with another person. Medical scientists have confirmed through years of study, that anger and bitterness are a major cause of depression and anxiety. The pharmaceutical industry is making billions of dollars on Americans for drugs we take to eliminate or diminish our anger and anxiety.
Another misconception about forgiveness is reconciliation. Forgiving someone does not mean that reconciliation must occur. It means you walk away. See, the other person is sleeping just fine by all accounts. You are losing your sense of peace. Life is so short- like a mist. If only we could grasp that God intends for our lives to be so rich and fulfilling. I refuse to infuse my life with negative energy. I want my living of life to exhaust me; not the pain of what someone else did. A dear friend of mine commented to me about forgiveness upon hearing about my children’s recent salvation. This person hoped that my children would grasp the wonder at my ability to forgive and live in non-judgment of others. I was humbled by their observation. It is hard and I am not always good at it. But I am so aware of my own sinful nature and tendency to wander away from my Father’s side, that I can’t condemn or hold someone else hostage for something that I am not a master over.
The rest of this entry is for your reference as the reader. Following is a host of Bible references dealing with forgiveness from the New Testament. Following that are famous quotes about this topic. Just drink in the words. Pray for the ability to forgive. Pray for compassion – for yourself as well as your offender.
Matthew 5:7, 6:12, 26:28, 6:14-15, 18:21-22, 5:39-42
Romans 12:14, 12:19-21
Ephesians 4:32
Luke 17:14, 23:34, 11:4, 6:27-37
I John 1:9
Colossians 3:13
I Peter 3:9
James 5:16
Mark 11:25-26
“Love is an act of endless forgiveness.” Peter Ustinav
“The capacity to make peace with another person and with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves.” Thich Nhat Hanh
“One pardons to the degree that one loves ” Francois De La Rochefoucauld
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Gandhi
“To err is human; to forgive Divine” Alexander Pope
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B Smeades
“If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. ” Mother Theresa
2012 Postscript: I have learned a lot about this topic over the last few years of my life. I believe the most difficult and humbling work I have done in this arena of my life has been to accept my responsibility as the one who has committed the offense against another human being. No amount of apologies can heal the hurt. Laying down one’s own life falls short as well. The act of forgiveness must come from the one who has been wronged. It is a painful and difficult process that they must work through and nothing I say or do can make it easier or faster; although, I’d willingly take the pain as my own, if I could. Instead, I must let go and let God’s time and love bring them the peace they so need to move on, knowing that by moving on, they may choose to do so without me. It is the consequence of our actions and a bitter pill to learn to swallow.
Live well, Reader.
Bent, Not Broken - My Life Well-Lived 