Reflecting on Love’s Heartbeat

For Christmas, I received the book The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by German author Jan-Philipp Sendker. This was the first novel for the former war correspondent and can be considered a modern day fairy tale.

The book is primarily set in modern day Burma where we find a woman named Julia on a quest to determine the whereabouts of her missing father Tin Win. Four years earlier, Tin Win mysteriously left his grown family in New York and the only clue to his possible whereabouts is a love letter that was found by his daughter, Julia. The letter was written post WWII to a woman named Mi Mi. Upon discovery of this letter, Julia sets off for Burma to try and piece together the mystery of Tin Win’s disappearance.

I took this book on my trip to Colorado for all of the long hours I would spend in airports waiting for my flights. It captivated and held me from the beginning. I became frustrated along with Julia as she tried to rationalize how a father could leave his family with no warning or apparent reason. What drew him back to Burma and who was this Mi Mi?

Julia meets a gentleman in Burma by the name of U Ba who weaves a long tale about Tin Win’s little known life before coming to America in the 1950’s. In the end, Julia finds the answers to the questions that she has traveled around the world in search of; but, more importantly, Julia learns an extremely important lesson about the many faces of love. A lesson that all of us would be wiser for knowing.

There is a poignant quote by U Ba in the book as he attempts to help Julia reconcile the essence of her father’s love for the family he left behind in New York as compared to the love that ultimately led Tin Win back to Burma in search of the woman (Mi Mi) he left some forty years before. Read U Ba’s explanation of love’s many faces:

“Love has so many different faces that our imagination is not prepared to see them all…..because we only see what we already know. We project our own capacities for – good as well as evil – onto the other person. Then we acknowledge as love those things that correspond to our own image thereof. We wish to be loved as we ourselves would love. Any other ways make us uncomfortable.” (p. 243)

As I came to the aforementioned passage, I stopped and reflected on it’s real-life application. Was U Ba on to something? Does love have multiple faces? Do we love others in the way we wished to be loved? If that is so, does such expectations then lead to disappointment in our relationships with others?

Recently I was told that I have a big, generous heart and love others accordingly. I refuted that claim at first saying that my act of love is what anyone would do for another. However, as I read and re-read that passage, I began to wonder if perhaps my viewpoint was a tad off. My acts of generosity are often reflective of the love I have for another; so, do I expect others to show their love towards me in a similar fashion?

In the book, Julia also reflected on U Ba’s words and then reflected on her childhood with her father. She was able to recall many happy memories and felt assured beyond any doubt that he had, indeed, loved her and their family very much. His actions reflected as such. Is it then possible that he could love another in a completely different way? A way that only they understood?
U Ba’s interpretation of love pointed to that fact.

So, do we get tripped up in our own relationships with others because we expect them to display their love toward us in the same manner we display it toward them? Yes, I believe for me that has been a stumbling block. When I love – I love big, and there is never any doubt in your mind. I am loquacious with my words and generous in my deeds. In looking back, I can ascertain that some of my insecurities in relationships have come because I was expecting my partner to speak the same love language as me. That is an uncomfortable burden for another to carry and will almost always lead to disappointment.

I believe this revelation should bring to light the fact that we must know ourselves and our partners. We should honor and respect one another’s love languages and acknowledge that it takes effort to replenish one another’s “accounts”. I also believe that the love we show others is often reflective of the love we have for ourselves. In fact, I don’t believe it is possible to love others unless we have love for ourselves. Finally, this line of thought can also illuminate the point that sometimes the love we have for another is not enough.

As much as Julia and her family loved Tin Win, it was not enough to hold him there. Somethimes the love we have for another isn’t enough to make them stay, love you back, or shed light in their present darkness. People stay because they recognize that to leave would mean their lives would be “less colorful” (if you will). We can’t make others love us and we shouldn’t try – love has to happen on its own, or it really isn’t love at all. The darkness in another’s life – well, we can’t be the savior for someone. We can only show them the way toward illumination; they must take that first step. In essence, love is a verb.

The heartbeat of love sounds different in each of us. It may be slow and steady; it might flutter; it could be as soft as a butterfly’s wings; or as passionate as a raging river after the rains. Regardless, love has a heartbeat.

Live and love well….