Lent 2024 and Surrender

The late Rich Mullins is one of my favorite Christian singers/songwriters. In his song, “Hold Me Jesus,” there is a poignant line that says:

“Surrender don’t come natural to me

I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want

Then to take what You give that I need.”

Lenten roses

During the 2024 Lenten season, I followed a challenge on the Hallow app. The theme was surrender.

Ugh.

I am not always good at this.

But I persevered through the 40 days (the longest 40 days ever) and came out on the other side with two main takeaways, but still not a master of surrender.

1. Surrender is an invitation to freedom.

I have lived an enormous amount of my life trying to get what I wanted by relying on myself, trusting only myself, and believing I knew best for myself. 

Pride, pride, pride.

Pride – the root of sin.

That way of walking through the world resulted in many missed opportunities, wrong turns, and heartaches (for me and others). 

The problem with this mindset is that we view all life situations from a fleshly and earthly perspective. I am a flawed and broken sinner. My heart is deceitful above all things, according to Jeremiah 17:9. Additionally, the flesh wants what the flesh wants and is in opposition to the Spirit of God (Galatians 5:17). This sin problem will cause me to see distortions in what I think I need and ultimately lead to my destruction.

But destruction doesn’t end at my feet. My decisions create rings and ripples that extend well beyond the immediacy of my life, much like a stone thrown into a calm pool of water. And isn’t that an awful residual impact of thinking I know best?

I try not to live too long in the darkness of my past, but when I do, I see the results of my broken decision-making. On my best days, those impacts yield great wisdom for me. On my worst days, they result in immense shame. When shame comes, I’m reminded of the grace of God offered through the shedding of Jesus’ blood on the cross for those sins. And here’s where freedom comes from: when following Christ, He invites me to surrender my will (plans, decisions, thoughts, feelings) to His PERFECT will – which is Sovereign and safe.

Does this mean that I get what I want? Most days, that is a no. But it means I get what I need to follow Him and love others. It’s a matter of faith and trust. Not always easy. Yet, this way brings freedom in Christ. When I consciously surrender my thoughts, desires, words, and life to His will, He is able to do greater things in me than I can do in myself.

2. Surrender is a reminder that any notion of control is folly.

Years ago, I spent a lot of time participating in rigorous and in-depth training to be certified as a trauma-informed educator. Part of my training involved looking at the long-term effects of different types of trauma on children and their ability to learn at a “normal” pace as their peers. The most common trauma children experience is divorce. Depending on the child, the level of trauma will differ. For instance, in a family with siblings, one child may have a low-level response to divorce, but the other sibling may struggle for the rest of their lives just to function in society. We are still trying to unravel this mystery. 

For me (after many, many years in therapy), I responded to my parent’s divorce by having a heightened fear of being out of control.

This has played out in multiple ways in my life. It might look like rigidity and routine. It could be fears, including those associated with things outside my control, like flying in a plane, accidents, or death. It can also manifest in the image I project to the outside world – that of being strong and capable. It shows in my desire to accomplish a terminal degree in my field. Ironically, it also showed up when I was younger in more destructive ways. 

Regardless of how it manifests itself, it is always performance-based, and if any of these manifestations fall apart or are foiled, I go into a tailspin. 

The self-awareness of this is part of the battle, but surrendering to the way of Jesus is the only way to be free from it. Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise that He has a plan for me. I am also learning to trust the promise in Romans 8:28 that says He works all things together for good for those who love Him. That means He will turn my futile efforts for control and fleshly decisions into something where He gets all the praise. In the end, my life will reflect His faithfulness and loving-kindness. 

Recently, I was told that someone referred to me as “beautiful, strong, and shallow.”  I instinctively recoiled at the word “shallow” to describe me. Shallow conjures up thoughts that someone (in this case – me) is being described as fake. As much as I wanted to give that person a “piece of my mind,” I realized that I cannot control the perception that others have of me. They will think what they think regardless of who I truly am. There will always be someone who assigns me the role of a villain. Those same people will make conjectures about my actions and insert my past into a false narrative that they create.

Here’s what I know.

When someone has a bad opinion of me, I want to come out fighting. I want to defend myself and try to prove that what they think of me is wrong. Somehow I want people to like me. 

But therein lies the trap. The people-pleasing trap that requires me to look for ways to “be in control.” That trap snares me everytime. 

This season of surrender has taught me that….

I will not be everyone’s “cup of tea.”

I will not always be invited.

I will sometimes be misunderstood.

I might even be the topic of conversation after I have walked away from a table.

But from this season of surrender I also am standing firm in the grip of the hands of Jesus. His hands are strong and His love for me is not fickle, weak, orinsecure. He places no demands on me but asks me simply to show up – exactly as I am.

Surrender requires knowing who I belong to and who controls my future. My times are in His hands alone. Surrender also provides a safety net to let go of the rope and to not always be in control of outcomes and perceptions. The path to freedom in surrendering is one that Jesus willingly paid the price for.

Thanks be to God.

Mercy – Lead Me On!

Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm (synonyms: pity – clemency – grace – charity)

It is amazing to me how life has the awesome power to teach us our greatest lessons. After a series of ill-fated decisions which were brought to life through blinding unhappiness and poor judgment, my life spun itself out of control and resulted in a deep abyss of darkness. It was a darkness like I have never known. More horrifying to me than the outward manifestations of those mistakes, was the resulting ripple effect those decisions would have on the lives of others – some I knew personally, others I did not.

During that particular time in my life, I lived through humiliation, shame, fear, and intense scrutiny (aka: judgment) from strangers and so-called “friends”. As intense as the criticisms were at the time, God used those events and the months thereafter to show me an aspect of HIs character that all Christians are familiar with, but few truly “get”.

Mercy is a companion to Forgiveness and Grace. They are like the Three Musketeers in God’s character set. My actions were inexcusable, hurtful, and came with consequences. There is no escaping that fact. Poor choices have a “natural law” of producing negative consequences. I was prepared for the fallout (to a certain degree). What I wasn’t prepared for was the Mercy I was shown by so many. It was amazing to me how God used others as a living example of His own Mercy towards each one of us. Who among us has not sinned? Who dares to categorize sins by their “severity”? Who among us has been appointed judge and jury to the human population by God Almighty Himself?

How incomprehensible and twisted it is that the perfect Son of God would grant Mercy (have pity on – give clemency to) any one of us sinners? It is illogical and stretches beyond my limited scope of understanding. Yet, He does. He not only offered HImself up as the sacrifice for our sins, He did so in exchange for our full Forgiveness, Mercy, and Grace! We are not asked to offer up excuses for our choices/behavior or to plead our case. Those atonement “details” we wish to offer are deems unnecessary. We are asked only to receive and then repent. Incredible.

Oh, the Love of God.

Even after time had passed and I had moved on with my life, I stayed stuck in a mindset of “setting the record straight”. I asked for the opportunity to say my apologies to the people on the peripheral of my actions that had been hurt. I suppose I wanted to somehow lessen the blemish I felt. If only I could have a few minutes of their time then I would offer up an explanation, tell my side, and clear up any misconceptions about how I was portrayed and who I really was instead. Those opportunities were never given to me. I was never able to right my wrongs or clear up those misperceptions. As unfortunate as that is, I have come to accept a few truths. For one, desperate moments that are laced with fear often cause rational people to do the most unbelievable things. There is really no good explanation unless the person you are speaking with has any experience with your situation or a great deal of empathy. People on the outside simply will not “get it”. Secondly, people don’t really care about your side. Third, perception is 99% of someone else’s reality and little of what we say will change that. Their mind is made up. So coming to grips with these truths set me on a course to move on with my life and allow God to take the ashes of my sin and use it to fertilize the soil of my new life. That has been the greatest gift in all of this.

Today, I still allow Mercy to lead the way. How could I not? How could I deny another that which was so graciously extended to me? I cannot. No excuses. Have you allowed Grace and Mercy to accompany Forgiveness in your dealings with others? God does; and He expects no less from us. In fact, His sacrifice for our sins deserves no less than that.

Live well and let Mercy lead….

How BIG is Your God?

(Special thanks to Tom and Sherry for permission to honor God through their family. Love you guys….)

I wonder if you, Reader, have ever thought to ask yourself that question. It never occurred to me. For my friends Tom and Sherry, it was asked and answered for them when their 23 year old son, Jette, died unexpectedly last week. Upon hearing the news, I remember laying my head on my desk at work and just weeping; my mind reeling with questions, my heart breaking for my friends. See, this family is so dear to me and my girls. Tom and Sherry are Grace and Anna’s god parents. The girls. Oh, the girls. How would I make them understand? The questions I knew they would ask. Their hearts would be broken – they loved their Jette. Everyone did. I can say that Jette’s earthly life was a testimony to his love for Christ. Tom and Sherry’s response to Jette’s death is a testimony to the “BIGNESS of our God.”

I spoke with Tom and Sherry briefly before the service last Saturday. My sweet friends. What possible condolences could I offer them at this time? It was Sherry’s proclamation that ministered to me the most. As we embraced, she whispered in my ear, “Kelli isn’t our God such a BIG God? He’s so BIG! I never would have thought. You’ve been through this with your Mom. You know how big he is – remember? I know something good will come from this.”

As I withdrew from her embrace, the conviction of her words was right there in her eyes. Yes, I do know how big God is; not in dealing with the loss of a child, but after losing my Mom and stepdad and then going through a difficult divorce. I have been covered in His bigness.

The Bigness of my God didn’t mean there would be no tears in my life – I have cried plenty.

The Bigness of my God didn’t mean that every question was answered – they weren’t and at times I wasn’t sure what questions to ask.

The Bigness of my God didn’t mean I wouldn’t despair at times – because I did.

But the Bigness of God should remind us that while our hearts may be sad at our earthly losses, or the questions of why things happen go unanswered – He is still there. He is waiting in our sadness, our loneliness, our anger, our despair. He is not offended by our questions. He doesn’t tire at our tears. He meets us right where we are in that moment. He is Big enough to be right there and remind us that in His love, He has a plan. That plan is bigger than anything we are brave enough to imagine. While we can’t see the whole spectrum of what He knows, we are assured that our lives, our work, and all that we can accomplish, play a part in the perfection of that plan.

Tom and Sherry have the assurance that even though their hearts break at the earthly loss they have surrendered, Jette’s life and death is part of something BIGGER than anything any of us may ever see. Our only call is to have faith to believe and trust in who He is…

Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His Purpose.”

For Grace and Anna, their hearts were broken, not because Jette was gone; but because they didn’t have a chance to say good-bye. Perhaps that is a good thing….good-byes seem so permanent. Anna said it best the other night.

“Mom, just think of all the people waiting for us in Heaven: Jesus, Ganny, Pa, Great-grandma Ruth, Grandpa….and, my Jette. It’s nice to know he will be there. I can’t wait to see him again.”

“Me too, Anna. Me too.”

For my two girls who are trying hard to understand death and dying, God brought them comfort from their assurance in Heaven and all the promises He makes. Yes, Sherry, I remember how BIG my God is and I too believe He makes everything work for good.

Live well and wallow in God’s BIGNESS!!

If I Were Being Perfectly Honest

If I were being perfectly honest, I would rather talk about anything but myself. I understand that as a writer, people want to know more about the person behind the words. Amidst many a “pithy” conversation involving myself and others, people will often comment, “Oh! You should blog about that.”

Hmmmm, no, probably not. Not everything I think needs to be said, and not everything I say needs to be put on paper. Sometimes conversations will reveal things about me that people never knew. So, at the request of others, here are a few things about me.

…I am an only child. People who know me very well are not shocked by this. But to those on the fringes, this is a mild surprise. If my mother had not miscarried twice, I would be the oldest of three children. I don’t think I would be any different.

…I have always wanted to be a teacher. I can’t remember a time in my life when I ever considered doing anything else. My mother found me in my room at the age of 3 “teaching” my stuffed animals and dolls. When she asked me about it I told her I was teaching them. I then went on to say that God told me this was what He wanted me to do. I have never wavered from that. Teaching is a “called” profession.

…I have an irrational fear of heights, monkeys, clowns and flying. When I am exposed to great heights, I have the inclination to throw myself off the top. Every time I have been on top of the Empire State Building, I am thankful for the high fence that surrounds the viewing area. I find monkeys to be grosteque animals who do the most horrific things to each other, themselves, and frogs (that’s a blog that will NEVER be written). Clowns freak me out. When I was a Junior in high school, I contracted the chicken pox and pneumonia. I was reading It, by Stephen King at the time. Pennywise the clown. Enough said. Flying scares the bejeezus out of me. I have tried to understand the physics behind it, and it eludes me. I went many years without flying following 9/11. I have only recently considered trips where flying was required.

…I am not a very religious person, but a highly spiritual one. I have a very personal and private relationship with my Savior. I would be a horrible evangelist because I find that talking about that relationship is very difficult for me. I am firm in what I believe and would have no trouble standing up for it. I follow the teachings of Christ and try so hard to see others as He sees them. I suppose that is why I have difficulty with “church”. I remember being asked to lead a Bible study in a particular church just a couple of years ago. It was a study I had done at another church a few years back. However, when it was discovered that I was divorced, I was told that there were no areas in the church that were suitable for a divorced woman to serve in. Really? I tell you what…there will be a lot of very surprised people in Heaven.

…I have no problem with public speaking. I can talk to a room full of strangers, colleagues, kids, and whomever about anything. I have the worst time communicating on a personal and intimate level with people who are very close to me. The other night I found myself in a position of needing to speak my mind about something very important to me. I had been tossing around a few ideas. I had formulated the perfect way to articulate exactly what was on my heart. Then the moment presents itself and suddenly I feel like a cartoon character. It was like someone took all of my thoughts and scrambled the words and sentences up. I could see in my mind’s eye all the things I wanted so desperately to say, and yet my mind was randomly picking out sentences that were strung together with others and they made no sense whatsoever. I was reduced to tears. I felt like a moron. Here I had arrived at a pivotal, mature place in my life and I screwed up my chance to declare it.

….On the outset, I am a very shy person. That misperception about me often comes across as snobbiness. Nope. I am guarded until I feel comfortable around you.

…Very few people know the “true” me, Elf. You may get a glimpse of her from time to time, but I would say that there are only 5 people who know the good, the bad, and the ugly.

…I love to bake. I often thought that when I retired, I would open a bakery/coffee shop.

…I was a competitive swimmer for years. My favorite stroke was Butterfly. I remember always wanting to perfect that stroke, but I didn’t have the upper body strength. Backstroke was my forte.

….I took four years of French and can’t speak a lick of it. I took two years of Latin and loved it. I am studying Italian just so I can get around Italy. The only Spanish I know is what I have picked up in my travels.

…I am a romantic at heart. (What? That is contrary to all she writes.) Well, not necessarily. See, I believe in all the fluff and stuff of love and romance. I just have failed miserably at being able to maintain that in my own life. I think relationships are easier for some people to navigate….me, not so much. My need for my own identity and independence makes it hard at times. I like my own space and time. I don’t feel the need to morph into the likeness of another human being. But love? Sure. I want that too.

….I hated being pregnant. I know!!! What woman hates being pregnant? Well…..me. I was miserable. My body grew at such an incredible rate. I am tiny and I looked like a freak when I was pregnant. At one point with my oldest daughter, you could make out the outlines of her arms in the sides of my torso. There was no room to go but out. I couldn’t sleep; I swelled; I ached; I complained. Ugh!! Misery. But what bliss when they were placed in my arms. Bliss. I love being their mom. I marvel every time I watch them that God chose me to be their mother. Truly humbling.

…I studied Classical Voice in college.

…I have over 100 pairs of shoes. I love shoes.

…I have a very carnal side to me. I keep a list of things that appeal to my 5 senses. Things like the taste of a coconut truffle on your tongue. The sound of the ocean waves as they break on the shore. The smell of coffee in the morning. Maybe I will share that list at some point.

….I Love all things Latin. Latin music, dancing, food. My favorite cuisine is Cuban food. The Salsa is a dance that makes me melt. Latin music just moves me. Literally.

….I love to kiss.

….My favorite flower is the daisy.

…I believe in taking ownership for a mistake. I believe in the power of the words, “I’m sorry.” I believe in second chances and that forgiveness is essential.

…I believe that life is short and that while the journey is important; having a few wonderful friends to share it with is more important.

Hmmm, I don’t know. I’m sure there is more. But, for those who wanted a glimpse into my world, there it is. If I left something out, feel free to comment below.