One Last Time….For Now

Well Reader…..here we go, one last time as we have known it.

Since Jan 2009, I have opined and reflected on the mysteries of life and love in an open, public blogging forum either as “Twisted Elf” or “Elfinfun”. During this time, I have enjoyed expressing myself through writing and many of you have indicated that in some way, big or small, my words have been a source of inspiration. I am humbled….

However, since my uncle’s death last July, I have failed to produce or write anything that I felt worthy of uploading for the “World Wide Web” to read. Oh, it’s not that I didn’t try; there were many times that I opened my laptop with the intent of producing an essay with some sort of pithy insight into this life we all find ourselves working through.

But, every single time I sat down and stared at the screen and blinking cursor, I couldn’t type. The reason? Well, in all honesty, I had nothing to say. It was more than writer’s block. That wasn’t it. No, I just had nothing to say. After a couple of months, I stopped trying to write a post. I stopped trying to force myself to reflect and then spew forth the wisdom I thought I had gained. Instead, I took a look at the landscape of my life and inside my heart to search for the answers as to why I had stopped posting on “Bent, Not Broken”.

After all of these months, I have found my answers.

For the past five, almost six years,I have been on a very personal journey and I invited all of you to join me. I’m not sure if that was a very wise decision, but I made it anyway. More often than not, the stories I have written over the years were done so for my benefit, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time.

This journey of mine has been filled with public disgrace, failure, redemption, forgiveness, loss, discovery, struggle, success, and glimpses of love. I have grown professionally and personally along the way, but in some respects, it has come at a great cost.
My actions have hurt others and I have been hurt by the action of others. I regret those hurts I have caused, more than anyone could possibly understand. As painful as it was to be hurt by the words/actions of others in my life, I can’t say I ever regret having those experiences. The brokenness I experienced, allowed the light to get in.

In these years, I have learned…

….the power of forgiveness from both ends of the spectrum – as one who needed forgiveness and as one who needed to forgive in order to move forward.
….life is short and we need to get busy living.
….there are two sides to every story.
….I have not been given permission by God to judge anyone, neither have you.
….people are fickle and you can’t be offended by that. Some friends can live with you through your mistakes; some cannot. It is best to sort those individuals out early on, and then get busy moving on.
….divorce is not necessarily an indication of failure; sometimes it is the way in which two people can learn to become better people – alone.
….when someone shows you who they are the first time – believe them. A leopard never changes his spots.
….change is sometimes necessary for growth. It is scary, though.
….setting clear, defined boundaries in your life is a healthy way to live. You owe no one an apology or explanation for those boundaries. You do it because they are right for you. Period.
…..real, true, gritty friendships are the best gifts in the whole wide world – Kate, Karen, Ruthie, Amanda, Ashley
…..when you least expect it, you will meet someone who knows your history and will love you anyway.
….you must be careful who you tell your story to. If you tell it to the wrong people, it becomes part of your debris field.
….there is no shame in having a personal therapist. I love having a third party person to bounce things off of and help me to see things with greater clarity.
….being vulnerable is indicative of being real.
….prejudice/bigotry is a learned behavior. There are people all over the world who don’t live like me, believe like me, or look like me and yet have taught me more about living life and what it means to be human.
….kindness never goes out of style.
….I don’t have to know God’s plan. I just have to trust that He is in charge. That is enough for me.

There have been so many “A-HA” moments over the years and so much of who I am has changed – for the better. There are still things I am working on and probably will for quite some time.

These days, my life is so full and complete and some of that has kept me away from writing on my blog. My girls keep me busy….being a school administrator and professor rounds me out professionally…I am writing my first fictional novel…I am formulating a new relationship that is loving, respectful, kind, normal and healthy. I have travel destinations to explore and moments to capture with words and photos. I am making plans today that will lead me to a beachside cottage in the future.
Most importantly, I think the reason I stopped writing is because I have come to a place of peace. I have made peace with my past, who I am, and the possibilities for what my life can be in the future.

My blog as “Elfinfun” cannot exist as it has in the past.
“Bent, Not Broken” is who I am today. I don’t know what my blog will look like after writing this piece. I am still trying to find my “new” voice. I promise that when I do, I will invite you to come along on whatever fantastic journey I decide to embark upon. I hope you will join me.

Live well, Reader.

Mercy – Lead Me On!

Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm (synonyms: pity – clemency – grace – charity)

It is amazing to me how life has the awesome power to teach us our greatest lessons. After a series of ill-fated decisions which were brought to life through blinding unhappiness and poor judgment, my life spun itself out of control and resulted in a deep abyss of darkness. It was a darkness like I have never known. More horrifying to me than the outward manifestations of those mistakes, was the resulting ripple effect those decisions would have on the lives of others – some I knew personally, others I did not.

During that particular time in my life, I lived through humiliation, shame, fear, and intense scrutiny (aka: judgment) from strangers and so-called “friends”. As intense as the criticisms were at the time, God used those events and the months thereafter to show me an aspect of HIs character that all Christians are familiar with, but few truly “get”.

Mercy is a companion to Forgiveness and Grace. They are like the Three Musketeers in God’s character set. My actions were inexcusable, hurtful, and came with consequences. There is no escaping that fact. Poor choices have a “natural law” of producing negative consequences. I was prepared for the fallout (to a certain degree). What I wasn’t prepared for was the Mercy I was shown by so many. It was amazing to me how God used others as a living example of His own Mercy towards each one of us. Who among us has not sinned? Who dares to categorize sins by their “severity”? Who among us has been appointed judge and jury to the human population by God Almighty Himself?

How incomprehensible and twisted it is that the perfect Son of God would grant Mercy (have pity on – give clemency to) any one of us sinners? It is illogical and stretches beyond my limited scope of understanding. Yet, He does. He not only offered HImself up as the sacrifice for our sins, He did so in exchange for our full Forgiveness, Mercy, and Grace! We are not asked to offer up excuses for our choices/behavior or to plead our case. Those atonement “details” we wish to offer are deems unnecessary. We are asked only to receive and then repent. Incredible.

Oh, the Love of God.

Even after time had passed and I had moved on with my life, I stayed stuck in a mindset of “setting the record straight”. I asked for the opportunity to say my apologies to the people on the peripheral of my actions that had been hurt. I suppose I wanted to somehow lessen the blemish I felt. If only I could have a few minutes of their time then I would offer up an explanation, tell my side, and clear up any misconceptions about how I was portrayed and who I really was instead. Those opportunities were never given to me. I was never able to right my wrongs or clear up those misperceptions. As unfortunate as that is, I have come to accept a few truths. For one, desperate moments that are laced with fear often cause rational people to do the most unbelievable things. There is really no good explanation unless the person you are speaking with has any experience with your situation or a great deal of empathy. People on the outside simply will not “get it”. Secondly, people don’t really care about your side. Third, perception is 99% of someone else’s reality and little of what we say will change that. Their mind is made up. So coming to grips with these truths set me on a course to move on with my life and allow God to take the ashes of my sin and use it to fertilize the soil of my new life. That has been the greatest gift in all of this.

Today, I still allow Mercy to lead the way. How could I not? How could I deny another that which was so graciously extended to me? I cannot. No excuses. Have you allowed Grace and Mercy to accompany Forgiveness in your dealings with others? God does; and He expects no less from us. In fact, His sacrifice for our sins deserves no less than that.

Live well and let Mercy lead….

How BIG is Your God?

(Special thanks to Tom and Sherry for permission to honor God through their family. Love you guys….)

I wonder if you, Reader, have ever thought to ask yourself that question. It never occurred to me. For my friends Tom and Sherry, it was asked and answered for them when their 23 year old son, Jette, died unexpectedly last week. Upon hearing the news, I remember laying my head on my desk at work and just weeping; my mind reeling with questions, my heart breaking for my friends. See, this family is so dear to me and my girls. Tom and Sherry are Grace and Anna’s god parents. The girls. Oh, the girls. How would I make them understand? The questions I knew they would ask. Their hearts would be broken – they loved their Jette. Everyone did. I can say that Jette’s earthly life was a testimony to his love for Christ. Tom and Sherry’s response to Jette’s death is a testimony to the “BIGNESS of our God.”

I spoke with Tom and Sherry briefly before the service last Saturday. My sweet friends. What possible condolences could I offer them at this time? It was Sherry’s proclamation that ministered to me the most. As we embraced, she whispered in my ear, “Kelli isn’t our God such a BIG God? He’s so BIG! I never would have thought. You’ve been through this with your Mom. You know how big he is – remember? I know something good will come from this.”

As I withdrew from her embrace, the conviction of her words was right there in her eyes. Yes, I do know how big God is; not in dealing with the loss of a child, but after losing my Mom and stepdad and then going through a difficult divorce. I have been covered in His bigness.

The Bigness of my God didn’t mean there would be no tears in my life – I have cried plenty.

The Bigness of my God didn’t mean that every question was answered – they weren’t and at times I wasn’t sure what questions to ask.

The Bigness of my God didn’t mean I wouldn’t despair at times – because I did.

But the Bigness of God should remind us that while our hearts may be sad at our earthly losses, or the questions of why things happen go unanswered – He is still there. He is waiting in our sadness, our loneliness, our anger, our despair. He is not offended by our questions. He doesn’t tire at our tears. He meets us right where we are in that moment. He is Big enough to be right there and remind us that in His love, He has a plan. That plan is bigger than anything we are brave enough to imagine. While we can’t see the whole spectrum of what He knows, we are assured that our lives, our work, and all that we can accomplish, play a part in the perfection of that plan.

Tom and Sherry have the assurance that even though their hearts break at the earthly loss they have surrendered, Jette’s life and death is part of something BIGGER than anything any of us may ever see. Our only call is to have faith to believe and trust in who He is…

Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His Purpose.”

For Grace and Anna, their hearts were broken, not because Jette was gone; but because they didn’t have a chance to say good-bye. Perhaps that is a good thing….good-byes seem so permanent. Anna said it best the other night.

“Mom, just think of all the people waiting for us in Heaven: Jesus, Ganny, Pa, Great-grandma Ruth, Grandpa….and, my Jette. It’s nice to know he will be there. I can’t wait to see him again.”

“Me too, Anna. Me too.”

For my two girls who are trying hard to understand death and dying, God brought them comfort from their assurance in Heaven and all the promises He makes. Yes, Sherry, I remember how BIG my God is and I too believe He makes everything work for good.

Live well and wallow in God’s BIGNESS!!