Buckling Her Shoes & Other Thoughts in Savannah

“Mom, can you help me with my shoes?”

Without hesitation, I bent down and guided her foot into the shoe and buckled the ankle strap. Instantaneously, I thought back to all the scrappy sandals her little fingers struggled to buckle as a small girl. Then to the more grown up shoes that set off her prom dress or the gown she wore on a hot August night at Teen Board. I never dreamed in just a few short years, my fingers would fumble with emotion when buckling her bejeweled white shoes.

Minutes later, she swept her long hair aside so that I could fasten the strand of my mother’s pearls around her neck. Something old. Something pure. Some 22 years earlier, my mother fastened those pearls around my own neck. It was my something borrowed. I caught my breath at the sight of her.

As we left the dressing room of the townhouse, she paused at the top of the stairs and turned slightly to ask, “Are you ready, mom?”

Gathering her train into my arms, I felt the weight of that moment – our last moments together before she became a wife. “NO! NO! I’m not ready!” My thoughts betrayed the smile on my face. Who knows her story like me? How we wrestled for many hours – me to bring her into the world and she, hesitant to come. Now, I am a front row witness to her coming into her own.

My mother and I never had the opportunity to discuss all the emotions she felt on my wedding day in 1999. Just two short years later, she lost her battle to cancer. Yet, I imagine that she felt much the same way I did – a mix of joy and apprehension.

Sorrow and excitement.

Two sides of the same coin – holding the tension.

The beauty of Savannah in the spring is unmatched and a perfect setting for the gathering of family and the exchange of vows. The night before, a strong cold front blew through the south leaving that Saturday in April with a deceivingly cold wind that shook the last of the blossoms from the trees and shrubs. Along with others, I watched Matt and Grace make promises to one another and my barely audible prayers were swiftly swept away by the wind. I’m sure my mom said similar prayers as she watched my father give me away.

Prayers for a better beginning….

more understanding….

forgiveness….

and love.

Prayers to warm on a cold night.

Prayers to protect when it gets hard – because it will get hard.

Prayers that she will do it better than those of us before.

Prayers that they build a soft place to land in the hard world.

Matt is a good man and when he took her hands into his, the breeze blew her hair and all the prayers from that moment and before came together. Our children – their stories begin with us; but, if they have the courage, they will pick up the pen and write something new.

It’s a funny thing to watch your daughter get married. Her story begins in my story. I handed her the pen that Saturday and she began to write her own story where someone else will be the first she calls. What a great gift it is to be a mother.

Choosing Happiness

Have you really thought about happiness? I believe that happiness is a choice that we make – we choose it. This isn’t some “Polly Anna” way of living nor does it ignore the fact that life is tough, people will hurt you, and you don’t always get what you want. This way of living is the ability to look through those circumstances and be happy with all those blessings you do have. Let me pose a couple of questions to you. Dig deep, I mean to the core of your soul deep, and answer honestly.

1. If you could wave a magic wand and create the life of your dreams (don’t think in terms of winning the lottery here, imagine yourself happy) what would that look like?

2. (Most important question) What are you willing to do/give up in order to make that life possible?

That first question is one that I’m sure many of us could answer. The second question puts the teeth into that dream, doesn’t it?

I posed this question to a friend of mine lately as we discussed things she was struggling with in her own life. It is like she observed: we want those things, but most people don’t know how or are not willing to do what it takes to make it happen. We are waiting for our Fairy Godmother to come along.

Uh-huh. Not me. Life is too short for me to wait for my best life to begin…sometimes you have to make it happen. For the most part, I have reached a place of contentment and happiness in my life. It is by no means perfect; nor should anyone think that happiness equates itself to perfectionism. But, I’m happy with where I find myself on my life’s journey today. It wasn’t easy getting here and I wallowed in muck for years; but I always believed that my life could look and feel different. The test came in finding the courage to make it happen. Being happy at this station of my life doesn’t mean that my best life has been fully realized either. I have much more I wish to accomplish and create. That list resides in a special notebook that I keep. Along with that list an item analysis of what I will need to do in order to make those things happen. Some are feasible now; others will have to wait. The point is, I am constantly working toward my best life – that magic wand scenario I posed in question one. I know what many of you must be thinking: that all sounds great, but what if those things never come to pass, will you still be happy? Yes, I hope I will always choose to be happy in whatever station of life I find myself.

So….my happiness list.
1. I have a goal that in 10-12 years, I will live on the coast. My place won’t be very big, room for one and a guest from time to time. Come visit but don’t stay too long. Just kidding.
2. My children will be on their own path to their best life. I try not to have any preconceived notions about what that will look like for them. I want them to fulfill their life’s calling and find happiness in whatever they choose to do.
3. I have professional goals that will remain to myself. The field of education is my arena to make a positive impact and I have goals to do just that.
4. I have a personal goal as an author. This part of my best life is the one that looms over me. It will require an amount of time that I currently don’t have just yet.
5. Continue to travel and mark the following places off of my bucket list: Costa Rica, Roatan, Hondura; Machu Piccu; Mt. Kilimanjaro; Greece, Greek Isles and Turkey; and India.
6. There are certain things I want to learn or do: learn how to surf, learn how to snowboard, ski in the Andes Mountains and the Italian Alps, speak another language (probably Spanish) with more fluency than how to order food in a restaurant.

Nothing on my happiness list includes an enormous pot of money, fame, big house, etc. Instead, my list includes those things which will continue to allow me to grow in all facets of my being, help others realize their best life professionally, and set my little elves on their own path in life.
I realize that in making these things happen, I will ultimately make choices that will not fall in line with those around me. While I appreciate everyone’s opinion and input, this is MY life. I refuse to live someone else’s watered down version of it. This is a painful part of living your best life – knowing that other people will not always approve. When I decided to leave my marriage, the disapproval rating was overwhelming at times. I have chosen to love people that others disapproved of; so much so that I have lost my relationships with several family members and friends. I hated losing the approval and connection with those people; but I would have also regretted, far greater, in missing out on the opportunity to love. I mean – really, really love another human being. The opportunity to walk (albeit briefly) a portion of your life’s journey with someone who accepts and loves you for who you are and nothing more – well, that is priceless. Some love stories fill volumes of pages in your life. Others are short stories, but their impact can be life-changing and sustainable for a long, long time.
At the end of my life, I know I will give an account of every wrongdoing, bad choice, and hurt that my actions have inflicted on others. I have asked for forgiveness for those things. I believe Him when He said they are cast as far as the east is from the west. I also hope that on that day, God will smile favorably on me for the simple fact that He chose to give me life and I lived a life of abundance through Him. I want the scars, the lines on my face, the softness of my heart, my countenance to all be evidence of choosing happiness.
Have you lived this God-given life to its fullest? Have you honored Him by pushing beyond the norm and choosing happiness? I can think of no greater way to honor Him, than by living – really living.
Live well, Reader, and choose happiness.

Growing Up and Growing Away

“I would have given anything to keep her little .They outgrow us so much faster than we outgrow them.”

                ~Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

 

It has become customary on Labor Day for the girls and me to transform our home in anticipation of autumn. We excitedly gather our summer décor for packing away and bring out the vibrant colors and whimsical figures associated with autumn, Halloween and Thanksgiving. One of my most treasured possessions is a pair of framed handprints created out of fabric. The year was 2003. Anna’s little traced hand is so tiny – she was only a few weeks old. Grace was about 18 months old at the time and her small toddler fingers were chubby and wide.

Grace was setting these out in our dining room last week and marveling at how big her hand was now in comparison. Instantly, I was transported back in time and my mind replayed the years like a film reel. I don’t think anyone is actually prepared for parenthood. Aside from the daily duties of caring for them, the greatest experience is the amount of love you are able to carry forth from your heart. In fact, a parent’s love just breaks us open and leaves us vulnerable in a way that nothing else can. I love this quote by Debra Ginsberg. It describes this love like nothing else.

 

“The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represents just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”

 

As a parent, I often waited for the next milestone with each of my children – sitting up, walking, potty-changing, talking, pre-school, Kindergarten and with each of these milestones, a new strand of independence that came with it. Watching for each of these milestones meant that ultimately they were not only growing up, but growing away. I held tightly to their little fingers and at the same time they were finding ways to let go.

I think of how our story as parent/child has been written played out and will go on to shape who they are down the road. I have my favorite stories of them that they still ask to hear in the rare moments when they are the little girls who curl around me, our arms and legs twisted up so that we are just a heap of human flesh. We talk about our adventures and trips over the years. They ask about my life as a little girl and I can see where they are trying to find a piece of them in me. We talk of the strong women who made up our family; women whose influence was passed down to me and I pass along to them. I never understood the power in those stories as a girl; but as a parent, they are imperative for my girls to see how all the players act as thread in the tapestry of their own life. It will be important for them to carry these stories with them to the next generation as we all have before them.

Aside from the stories of family I tell, another job as their mother is to help them find their path and embrace it with fierce determination while at the same time equipping them with the tools necessary to be successful. I am aware of the heavy responsibility I have in trying to develop all of them, teaching them to be ethical, caring, loving, kind and responsible humans. I know that this training will eventually be tried and refined in the real world, away from my physical presence. That is one of the hard parts of parenting, that letting go piece that is necessary.

Another piece in their own personal stories is in watching how my individual choices have affected them. Their paradigm of family, love, and relationships is forever skewed by the choices I made; choices that were hard and heart-breaking. Will they understand that self-preservation is sometimes healthier than the Norman Rockwell painting that so many of us have of life? I cannot answer that – only time will tell. There will be tough conversations when they are older, conversations that loom on the horizon.

Most days I try not to look that far ahead and just be right here and right now with them. They are wonderful creatures that God allowed to float into my life. Their love and trust in me is humbling and has broken me open in ways I never thought possible. They are a reflection of all that is good in the world today and give me hope in their tomorrow.

This Sunday morning I sit alone and wait for them to come home from a friend’s sleepover. These moments when they will choose to spend time with their friends over time with me is getting more frequent. It is part of the growing up and growing away that I knew would come. A mother never runs out of “mind film” moments with our children – I believe God made a special room in our hearts where we could go and sit and just remember. I also believe that in those rare moments when they covet my presence with them, it is so imperative to actively be there – now, more than ever. So, I wait for their return this morning and will wallow in their tales, laughter and love. We will move from day to day adding pages to our story together while they prepare to write pages of their own. I know the room well that God created in my heart where I may go and watch our story in film over time. I pray that God also grants me the ability to remember the touch of their hand in mine, an embrace, the smell of their hair and the sound of unbridled laughter long after they have left home.

Live well.

 

A Car Accident and the Musician Kris Allen

Last Tuesday, I was involved in a car accident.

Nothing that happened that morning would have clued me in to the event that was about to unfold. Of course, these things usually don’t announce themselves to you, either. My morning started out earlier than usual as I prepared for a training presentation I was giving to a group of 200 people.

As I headed out of town, my mind was mentally checking off all the things I had with me, the list I left for the babysitter, etc. As I came over a small knoll, I saw the vehicle in front of me slam on his brakes. I did the same and came to a stop behind him, but slightly off center (thank goodness). That’s when I looked in my rear view mirror and observed to my horror that the car behind me couldn’t stop in time. I saw the inevitable coming toward me. I screamed and braced for the impact.

Funny thing is (not that there is one really), the song that was playing on my iPod is one called “Live Like We’re Dying” by the American Idol Season 8 contestant Kris Allen. Following are the lyrics to this incredible song.

Sometimes we fall down, can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s too late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would’ve done

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we let fall outta our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There’ll no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we’ve been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that’s ticking
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we’re dying

You never know a good thing till it’s gone
You never see a crash till it’s head on
Why do we think we’re right when we’re dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it’s gone

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying..

I did well in keeping it together over the next couple of days. It wasn’t until I was driving to South Carolina a few days later that it all hit me – in a different way. Again, this song randomly played on my iPod. I pulled over at an overlook on I-26 close to Asheville. It was here that I really took in what had happened.

We all know how fragile life is; but I wonder if we truly comprehend that fact? The outcome of my altercation was a damaged car, lost time, and major inconveniences. But it could have had a very different ending. The truth of the matter is that it would have happened before I could have comprehended the consequences. It can be over that quickly. When something that bold squares up with you, it feels as though you have lost a bit of footing and you can’t take a deep enough breath. The haze or fog that surrounded you and clouded issues before, suddenly become very clear. You suddenly stop and take inventory of the things that you spend your time thinking about, talking about, and doing.

I made contact with a few people immediately after I climbed out of my passenger side door. The significance of those contacts is profound. I wondered if I would have been an immediate contact if they were in a similar situation? What were the last words I spoke to them? When my children left with their father the afternoon before, did I kiss them goodbye and tell them how much I love them?

You know, it seems trivial; but, in a grim reality, it is not. The little things we say and do for the people we proclaim as special in our lives are critical. A girlfriend of mine chastised me once by saying, “We make time for those things/people that are important to us.” You know what? She was right. So, if my car accident had ended differently, what would my life reflect as being important? That’s a question that hurts me to answer in some respects. In many other respects, I feel as though I do ok.

Bottom line is this: when you have the opportunity to spend time with loved ones, do it. The laundry can wait; updating your Facebook status can wait. Play with your kids a few minutes longer. Pick your battles. Take a moment to send a quick text and let people know you are thinking of them and that they are special. Put the work down and have a conversation that lasts longer than five minutes. Choose your words carefully for you can never, ever take them back. You can never give too many hugs, or say “I love you” too much. Seriously? Is there really an excess in this area? In the big scheme of things, I don’t really think so. Engrave on your hearts the sound of your loved ones’ voices. I promise you won’t be sorry you did.

Live well and love with great intensity.